A Whole New World

Hi everyone and welcome to sunny Melbourne. I am already burnt, so I’m extremely happy to have spent some time out on the sun already!

It all started when I took off from Heathrow at 10pm. We have a three way chat going of banter between Lell, Bianca & I waiting patiently/ impatiently for baby Pettigrove. Quietly/ unquietly (P.S. JT- I'm aware this isn't a word!) I had decided that my best use of time would be for the Baby to be born before I got to Australia, thus optimising my time there, with both sister and baby. I had booked to arrive two days prior to the due date as I also had the wedding of Tosh and B to attend on the Friday 27^th and couldn’t flipping wait for either. Anyway Bianca messaged me privately at the airport saying, "don’t tell anyone, but I have been having contractions for two days and had only slept for 4-5hrs" (this is before the plane took off mind you!). 

The first leg I boarded, I decided to try and sleep. I’d had a nice thai feed for dinner, ignored my boss's advice to get to the airport three hours prior to departure, and just fancied a couple of stilnoct and some sparkling water , thus not breaking my dry/ boring January, so I decided to not purchase WiFi and do just that – sleep. I slept half of the time and I had some decent leg room so it wasn’t too bad. What was bad, was the Absolutely Fabulous movie and the plane food so I slept through both offerings.

By Dubai, I had WiFi again. Bianca was still trying to sleep and hadn’t really and we were trying to work out the pick-up should they be at the hospital during the next flight. I got a few hours’ sleep and watched three movie – Daughter (1/5 spuds, and possibly the lowest ranking Geoffrey Rush film ever. Also it had no ending so it lost a point). Blood Father (4/5 spuds) and a war mtovie, also 4 spuds, but can’t remember the name, everyone died, and surprisingly still didn’t cry as much as I did in finding Dory, which I put on for the last sleeping tab induced in and out of sleep portion of my flight.

With 17 minutes to land, that felt like 38 minutes.. it was touch and go whether they would be at the hospital or home. Then Pettie and Bianca texted they were still at home, and in underwear so just tell whoever is doing pick up to drop me off and don’t let them in. Thankfully, Hoddo was there when I got out the airport and he picked me up illegally and we were at Bianca’s by 7:30am. I walked in the door to a pained nude Bianca on the bouncy ball accidentally electric shocking herself too intensely each contraction which by this stage were three minutes apart. By this stage Lell wanted a pic of the both of us together. I said "between the next contractions; let’s take a face selfie that will shut her up." So that we did and then Bianca called the mid wife whilst we put on toast for her, and decided to go in post breakfast. She ate, we all showered then we were off. Of course Pettie drove; he is the calmer of all of us. Still Bianca told him off for being too fast even though we all know Pettie is the most patient and slowest driver in the world. By this stage we were around two minutes though so it was all happening. That was until we actually got to the hospital at 9am. Where Bianca pleaded she wasn’t making it up, but they basically stopped or weren’t as intense. As it was a public holiday, it was free parking so I waited until I heard (and cried) the baby’s heartbeat. All was fine so it was my cue to get out, go home and try sleep (BTW by the time we were checked in she was at 5cm!).

Bearing in mind I hadn’t slept for a while myself, and couldn’t complain to my sister at all, I hopped in to their car to drive home. Except, I couldn’t work out for the life of me how the car worked! Maybe the back end of the bopper pushed in to the steering wheel? Maybe it just sat there and there was a button? I dunno, but I couldn’t bloody find it. I sat there - legit 5 minutes before seeing the button and sleepily driving off back to the apartment (please also remember I hadn’t driven a car for over a year!).

Then I was so buzzing I couldn’t sleep. So circa lunch time, I put on some potato tots and beef snags (afterall it was Aussie day). At 1pm I received a message from my cousins wife that she and Christian had a baby boy at 1am that day and they had named him Ethan (cue the chart topping ‘Ethan your mine’ song I made up when I was 5 cos I had a crush on Ethan Hawke). How exciting, the cousins would be born on the same day! Thus gaining Grandma her ‘Twins!’. I ate and fell asleep briefly around 2pm before waking up at 3:30pm to Bianca “Hi, I haven’t had the baby yet, Andrew said you might be asleep but I was just ringing to say hi, I’ve just had an epidural, I feel great now, I can have a rest!” lol thanks Bianca I’d just fallen asleep. “Oh well it’s good to not sleep through the night” “yeah, cool its half hour till East Elevation closes I’ll go grab a coffee and go see Laura at Red’s.”

I don’t think I was at Red’s too long before I decided to go visit Mary and Shayne (Aunt and Uncle), I couldn’t tell them though that Bianca was in Labour so Laura said “just say they need some alone time”… So that’s what I did.

I waited for Christian and Shayne to come home from the hospital. By now it was nearly tea time, so Mary was preparing dinner. Christian came home, and was asking about Bianca. I’d told lies for so long, my nose was as big as the Pinocchio I’d bought the bubba for a gift. So I wrote a text “Bianca is in Labour, baby will be born in the next hour, don’t say anything” to which he replied “congrats on the promotion, and whispered ‘same day’.” Mary and Shayne were none the wiser when I took the first call from Bianca and left the house to talk to her. Bianca “Do you want to know?” “Of course YES”, “well, I’ll tell you, but I need to then call mum and dad so they know first, and I’ll call back afterwards and tell them myself.” So I was told. “We had a baby girl, her name is Sophia.” Then walked inside I then pretended nothing had happened. It felt like a life time until Bianca called Shayne and his face was priceless and worth every bit of secretive behavior.

With Aunty Mones

With Aunty lell

I went to the hospital around 7pm, and entered the birthing suite to what can only be described as ‘The Apocalypse’. No danger of me looking anywhere but the baby, it was a good distraction watching Pettie eat food in the room, whilst I thought ‘How the hell can he do that?’ It was so ridiculous seeing a baby and surreal. She is such a gorgeous little thing, looks exactly like Yank when she cries, and I’m of the minority that guessed her sex and thought she looks like Pettie. She is a calm baby like Bianca was and similar stats to her, far from the sharpe look-alike that I was! Bianca was a star and looks amazing. Even in pain on the exercise ball shocking herself she looked amazing. She has changed a handful of nappies, including two put on the wrong way, I have changed zero and Andrew has changed the rest, as he is good at it (Bianca’s words not mine!!). I should also mention that Aunty Mones and Uncle Chrisso got in early and she is already a paid up Cats Member for 2017. We are awaiting Pop's approval to add her to the MCC waiting list. 

It would be remiss of me not to mention the events of the following day- Tosh and B’s wedding. What an absolute event… when I finally got there after a traumatic tram ride of 43 stops, needing the loo! Everything was amazing, it was not only super to see those who flew over from afar, it was amazing to see the original gang – Woosha, Crackles, Seektsy, Surge, Perfect Stef… and Rents was in super form too. My second fav part to B walking down the aisle and her massive smile was Seektsy telling his father in law- that Tosh as a son in law is the worst trade since Fevola to Brisbane. Third was Nev mentioning his aspirations to become a musician, surfer (cue short Indian Aussie).

Me, Perfect Stef and Groom Tosh

I’ve also been blessed with good weather so far, my first touch of pink on Day 2 was a welcome addition to the pasty white skin.  

Happy Place, Amazing new world for some. 

First Day Home

With Nan and Pop

A Couple of Turkeys

Not sure how many of you remember, but I had boycotted Turkey ever since I was ran over by a Turk who ran a red light in 2009 and she was basically the biggest piece of work ever that I’d decided I wouldn’t go back. Come 7 years on, I decided I shouldn’t blame the whole country for one silly cows mis demeanor and I’d heard great things so booked a trip for the May bank holiday. Also, I booked it with a chick Courts who is one of my wife Laura’s best friends, but I’d only ever met her once, but we both clicked and we are both slightly mad. So it made sense that we would go on hols together the second meeting. After all my Nonno and Nonna got married the third time they met… so this pace runs well in the famiglia.  

So all the adventure happened almost instantly for Courts and I enroute to Instanbul. We met at Heathrow airport straight after work with the intention of legging it through customs and getting to Weatherspoons ASAP! The excitement started at the check-in counter when I informed the lady that British Airways online check in upgrade had failed me, and would it be possible for two seats close to the front. Nope. Nada. Apparently it wasn’t even possible to sit us together, just one in front of the other. Cool, we’ll wait to the flight and sort it. Then the man at security hated my banter. I told him I was just joking but wondered why everyone was being a dick. Its Friday arv people. Sort it!

Ø       Made it to Weatherspoons and the wait was massive. Thankfully we found a half table to share with some randoms who then hated us cos Courts spilt my drink all over the table and it dripped down on to their bags. The bar lady also hated Courts, who implied she wanted a free drink as she had spilt her drink almost instantly. She as an annoying Northern Irish man woman. I kept up spirits, pointing out the only hot boy in the whole airport with the most amazing blue eyes. We then boarded, standing guard, refusing to sit anywhere but next to each other. Thankfully some freak swapped out his window seat for Courts middle seat and we were on like Donkey Kong. After exchanging pleasantries with the kind man who downgraded his seat, he informed Courts he was an artist, and was attending a festival – Courts could be his guest whilst I was at Gallipoli on Sunday and promptly gave Courts his business card. As it turns out she recognised the business card and his product as this dude used to internet troll her!!... Back to no Sunday plans for Courts. It was then that I realised that the incredibly handsome man with the blue eyes was coming straight towards the vacant seat next to Courtney… Ahhh Maze Ing. It turned out he was on a bucks, for his gay friend Steve, and the group was 50/50. The gay banter carried on the whole flights, and we met Johnny, a quite good looking, well dressed dude, kind of reminded me of the gay guy in Sex & the City who was mates with Charlotte. I proclaimed that I had picked it early. No straight guys ever dress so nicely, and then we met the buck, who looked straight to me as he was wearing ill-fitting jeans and an ugly belt lacking the style of our new mates. We spent an hour on the tarmac cos the selfish Frenchies had again closed their air space, so all up it was about 4 hours and Istanbul was two hours behind. Upon Landing, hot Will, the man with the glorious blue eyes who works for a tech start up in Soho, informed us he was completely straight… and so was the whole bucks party. Ahhh Maze Ing.

T    The queue though at immigration upon landing in the Bull was ridiculous. It took us another hour to get to the front of the queue and when we did, I went straight through with my Italian passport, and Courts was told she wasn’t allowed in as she needed a VISA. Thankfully it only was a pay on arrival one and only wasted another 15 minutes, and id organised a transfer to pick us up, so no doubt smooth sailing from here?

Ø      Fail, no transfer. Another quarter hour had passed and I was over it, so we got a cab to the hotel…. Then the cab driver got lost. Then tried to rip Courts off by 40 Turkish cunts (this is the nickname we gave the money as we had no idea what they were called, I went with Dirham initially, but the former seemed more apt in this country of dis organisation. Then we arrived at our hotel and the check in man informed us that the hotel had no rooms for us as they had over booked. Another hour passed, it was 4am and we were cranky as. I informed the man, whilst trying to be polite (those of you that know me well know that #MonesTellItHowItIs struggles with this) that I had a busy day at work, followed by all the delays. Finally, we were informed there was a room and it was an upgrade at the 5* opposite.

Ø     We got up early for some reason, so after we checked the facebook check in and saw how nuts Couts fam and friends were that she was in Istanbul we decided to find the buffet for a feed. Was pretty standard so the goal for the next couple of days was to find eggs benedict. Something we failed at dismally. After our shitty breaky we took off to explore in our shorts and arms out, obvs disrespectable as but hey, having once visited a mosque, I get the idea, pillars, space, carpet. Michael Agile Wilson recommended we get a guided tour of Hagia Sofia. Great call. The place was awesome. Mainly because of all the Christian stuff.  

Ø     We booked an awesome restaurant for dins- Nichole at the Tom Tom resort and basically got very drunk, as the meal took forever! 7 courses and 100 quid down somehow Courts managed to tee up a space at a club pretending she was VIP with the waiter.

Ø     Walking aimlessly and considerably lost to this club we walked past some strangers and asked for directions (bearing in mind both Courts and I were appropriately dressed for dinner, however inappropriately dressed for a Muslim country. Courts asked what looked like a private driver for directions. The other guy stressed out that there were two ladies talking to him said ‘oh my wife is in the van’ Me being nice looked in (saw a burqa ninja lady) and tried to speak to her, she only spoke Arabic and looked frightened so I retreated, but in this time Courts had managed to get the other guy to drive us to this club. So we got in the other van. I sat close to the door in case I had to escape. Courtney had got us in to this rape van, I was certainly leaving her behind as a sacrifice. Turns out the guy was awesome. He only wanted a kiss on the cheek from Courts and Courts refused to oblige, much to my insistence. We were dropped at the club and walked in, Courts greeting the guy who she had seen in the magazine, pretending we were VIP, he then escorted us to a booth and gave us a bottle of prosecco…then out came another waiter with some nuts.. then another with a whole fruit platter! However knowing I had a 5am start for Gallipoli, the night started wearing thin and I was ready to leave. Courts informed Mr VIP man that we were leaving and he was like ‘I’ll just go inside and grab the bill’… I was like ‘Courts, I thought you said it was free?’ and she was like ‘it was!’ and so we walked out in the opposite direction and hailed a cab…

Ø     Next morning was an early rise and long bus drive. It was made even harder with the hangover, however thankfully it had dissipated by the breaky break. Gallipoli was extraordinary. Beyond words how breath taking and chilling it was at the same time. What a lovely sunny and reflective place. I’m sure this paradise was hell on earth though, as come the afternoon it was stifling hot. Here, I put in my headphones, walked to the opposite side as my group and tried to read as many tombstones as I could to Thank them and show them respect. One person  in another group kept trying to engage in conversation. I just answered and then walked right away, keeping to myself. Trying to take it all in. It again became emotional when one of our group members found the grave of his great uncle. I'm glad i was there for that moment, but, it almost felt like it needed to be private. I suddenly really proud of Hoddo and what he does serving for the country. It is also relevant as he had relatives who served at Gallipoli. I can't imagine what those soldiers felt, saw. Landing at a beach on the other side of the world. The ultimate sacrifice, forever young, forever remembered. 

Ø     Coming back in to Istanbul that night took forever, and because of the roadworks it was two hours longer so I didn’t get back until midnight. Courts greeted me, a huge heap of regret having not came along with me. She instead decided to explore, but lasted two hours on her own, before she was hassled so much she went back to the hotel and lounged. We decided to try and find eggs bene for the last day enroute to the airport – Courts only job to organise. We got a cab a good 30 mins in the opposite direction to the breaky place. IT WASN’T OPEN. FAIL. Anyway after another rip off cab merchant we were over it. Looking forward to returning in September – hopefully less time getting hassled when we are in the ocean out of reach. All in all Istanbul was a cool place. Turks… well, the bull part is quite applicable still, but the kebabs are on spot. What a cool place.   

 

World of Wars

I feel compelled to recommence my blog as I’ve just had the most interesting conversation with my hotel transfer driver in Malta.

Ironically on the plane I had a chat to the Aussie girl next to me when I explained that I was travelling on my own as the stars weren’t aligned in my companionship at present – Becs moved to Miami, Cait had to work, Lee’s festival tickets sold out and he couldn’t get cheap flights. Anyway, I was telling this girl how I can’t even be bothered to make friends, I just want to enjoy some sun (It’s snowed in London the last 3 days) a book, and some good food. I told her that you never know who you will meet though and told her about the time I had an overnight stay in Grand Cayman and I was asking the transfer driver about food and he then proceeded to drop everyone else off first, taking me to dinner. It was a fair deviation across the island, but it was awesome, and for some reason I wasn’t scared in the slightest, he was just a really nice guy that liked food and wanted company. She said as we parted ways ‘maybe you’ll get a nice transfer driver.’

I exited the doors at Malta airport to a swarm of signs, I was laughing as I cut three laps of the swarm looking for my name. It wasn’t obvious as when I finally saw it, it was a short little round man in an old suit. I sat in the front as I said I wanted to see everything. Then he told me off as I was responding to a text a guy had sent asking for a date on Tuesday as the weather is supposed to be good (I’ll save that for another blog!) he was like ‘I thought you wanted to see scenery not texting!’ so I put down my phone and looked out the window…

Naturally I asked him about the Maltese food, and he said it is Mediterranean influenced, the food is good here and he used to be a chef. I said I was half Italian so I loved Mediterranean food, I also remember my mate Tom’s mum Rose being an awesome cook and me looking for any excuse to go there for dins after uni. When I told him I was half Italian, he was so excited, explaining to me he was from Rome and then the story took an interesting turn. This guy was a chef for Gaddalfi. He used to spend 3 months on in Libya and one month off (in Malta) and he said he was treated well by Gaddafi, who loved Malta and visited Malta. I asked him what Gaddalfi ate and he said it was cous cous, lamb, chicken or seafood, rice, beans and he also loved Maltese food. He said although he was treated well in the camp, (the only place where they allowed alcohol in Libya) others weren’t so lucky. Gaddalfi was mad, and he would get angry at one person and then kill all their family. He said he once saw him kill 200 people once. He said that life in Libya was dangerous, the local markets were like weapon stock piles and that the Arabs were mad; they could just kill you if there was a disagreement and then rather than it be investigated, it would just be said it was a part of the war. I told him how unsettled and vulnerable I felt in Egypt and then he said I was crazy - 'you should never travel to Arab countries as they are all crazy' he said. Though for this danger, and as Gaddalfi liked him, he was paid well; 7000 euros a month, with a 1000 euro bonus every 3 months. We spoke for the whole time, his English was awesome, he spoke Arabic to Gaddalfi though and as he was Italian, he spoke to me in Italian too (mine poco poco).

It reminded me of another story I was told by my Serbian plasterer many years ago when I worked onsite. I was explaining where my Nonno was from in Italy and that it sat on the Croatian border. I told him how the war consumed 8 years of my Nonno’s life, being a prisoner by the Germans and the Soviets as the Italians switched sides, they were treated like traitors. He was in one of the last labour camps to be liberated and spent the next few years walking home from Germany, returning many years after the war had ended. That prompted my almost 2m tall Serbian plaster to tell me that he used to be on the national basketball team when the civil war broke out in Yugoslavia. He said that the worst thing about the war was when his Croatian team mates suddenly hated him because he was Serbian. He was also imprisoned. Emancipated he weighed barely 60kgs when he was freed. He was upset by the fighting he witnessed in Australia between the 2^nd and third generation Croatians and Serbs, as he just felt like there was no need and no one had learnt their lesson. (For anyone interested, there is a cool doco Once Brothers that tells of a similar story https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Once_Brothers).

Back to my plane journey over and the Aussie girl on the plane was telling me about her Israeli ‘bad Jew that eats bacon’ boyfriend. We also spoke about Tel Aviv (I so want to go), Nazareth and Jerusalem, all places she was lucky enough to travel to and see. I told her about Tel Aviv, how I’d heard it was a riot and a great party, she told me, it’s like a bubble, all the gays convene there and the parties are out of this world, then there’s Nazareth and Jerusalem which are full of history, however rife with conflict and now too dangerous to travel.

 



Prince Harry

In all honesty I don’t know if I’m a sounding board for awesome people or I’m just gullible. I hope it’s the former. I’m genuinely interested in meeting people and hearing stories. I’m lucky to live in a free society and I was reminded of this just a couple of days at the Anzac Day dawn service. (Incidentally but not relevantly it was my two year living in London anniversary).  I will say that the London Anzac experience is chilling, reflective and beautiful. It is well attended by both Aussies and Kiwis (and Prince Harry!!) and it’s so nice to hear stories from all the soldiers, English, Aussies and Kiwis. I would recommend an overseas Anzac experience to everyone. Hopefully one day I’m lucky enough to go to France or Turkey on Anzac day which I’m sure will even exceed this experience.



Enough of the war and depression. The next blog will be about Malta and the awesome time I’ve had here hopefully. I just needed these stories out, so they aren’t lost.

 

Southern Hemisphere Hoo Haa - South Africa

Well played South Africa. Wow. What a place!

I arrived a week ago weary from three flights but eager to see and explore a new country. I shared my soon to be retired Qantas 747 with the ‘Chiefs’ Rugby Union team. No idea who they are and honestly only realised they were famous when people were doing photo bombs at the airport. Touchdown in South Africa was as expected. Everything was already being done at an African pace and there was disorder at the passport queue. There was also an annoying lady there that was obviously visiting family that had disowned her for being annoying who kept trying to engage in conversation with me. After 16 hours of air time, I was not coping well with this and tried hiding from her in the line… not easy to do when you are almost 6 ft tall, white female usually, however I was in good height company so managed to obscure from her view.

After a turbulent flight on the South African low cost airline Mango (probably resurrected an old retired Qantas plane and Nigerian airlines pilot I say), I was greeted at Durban airport drive thru by Melissa and her papa Luke. The first couple of days was great by the beach, with a quiet and quant seaside village called Shackas Rock- here you won’t find much other than a long, rocky and rippy sea, but you will find a cool old man’s bar called Salty’s and the best coffee in the whole country at a little café across the road from our apartment- called Salt haha, must be a town theme. We were invited by Melissa’s great Aunt Joy and Uncle Fred for lunch – roast chickens on the second day and went exploring Balito prior to lunch. We were at the local woollies where I smelt the chickens cooking and I said to the fam ‘I hope this is where Aunty Joy is getting her chickens from’. We then turned the corner of the aisle and this crazy woman leaped towards us. I had no idea what was going on. But as it turns out – that was Aunty Joy getting the chickens for us from Woolies! Small world.

It was a great relief for sun seeking Liss and I to follow the ‘enough to be indoors but not enough to be drought breaking’ rain up the coast on our way to our Safari at Leppard Mountain (NOT!). After three hours enroute we were greeted at the gate by a round black jovial man who proclaimed ‘please be careful, call us if you get stuck, my road is fucking crap’. He was spot on and about 10kms in we were glaring through the thick rain at a muddy slippery slide hill which needed to be crossed in order to reach our lodgings. Liss’s dad Luke and Liss were quite positive ‘50/50’ chance. Liss’s mum Shaz and I had little faith in our little shit box car and this lack of hope was reiterated by a man in a four wheel drive that had just crossed. Man to Luke (laughing): “Do you think that little car will make it?” Luke “Not sure mate, I’ll keep the revs up, we can only try!”. It was like the travelater at the end of gladiators, three quarters of the way up was when it was touch and go. I think most cars were consumed, but our little white beast was determined, and only got close to bottoming out when we had just enough edge of car over the peak…. Phew! Driving on, Liss excitedly pointed out the Lions. In our shit white car, I won’t lie – I was fucking scared (cue video of rhinos charging white car). But we sat in the car and watched and I noted that the lions were spotty which I thought was unusual. The next animal we saw was a family of pumba’s or wort hogs, my fav Lion King character only marginally to Zazou, which we also saw on safari.

Arrival at Leppard Mountain was our own little haven. We had a king size bed to die for and a plunge pool for each room. The mornings were up early for safari, afternoons were relaxation and nights were again safari. The staff were awesome and the food was exquisite. By the final day my thighs were touching and we still hadn’t seen an elephant. We got up for the early safari on our final day not expecting to see a single thing, as it seemed with it, the rain fall had washed away the animals. We were cutting laps of the now accessible dam looking for the wild dogs, to no avail. That was until Liss spotted a Kudoo, thankfully I spotted three fluffy tails running rapidly behind ‘The Dogs!!’. Soon, the whole lot of the five adjoining parks safaris groups were following the wild dogs, only 450 remain in South Africa and only a couple of thousand throughout Africa in the wild. I began to wonder if I had really seen the dogs, or just some other animal and sent us all on some wild goose with fluffy tail chase. But then bingo, they had been found chasing a Kodoo some 30 minutes later. Instead of hoping to find them, I was stoked for the Kudoo, having survived the feed, but then, we saw all five dogs, bloodied mouths and all. We stayed with them for another 20 minutes or so, then decided to leg it and chase up the earlier bull elephant sighting. We found the large bull, heavily camouflaged

behind what looked like a twig tree in comparison to the elephant. Our morning ‘safari special’ Amarula, hot choc coffee was enjoyed in the company of the Ellie bull before we were heading back to camp. Enroute however we were not disappointed, seeing a bunch of giraffes and then another Ellie, with her new born complete with umbilical cord. Now it all made sense as to why we couldn’t find elephants for days as they herd together in a circle and protect the mama ellie as she gives birth. The next scenes were extraordinary as we watched the mama bathe the new born for the first time. It was then, inconveniently or conveniently that we got a flat tyre. We were silent (hard work for our lot) as the protective mama and her little bubba passed by, so close we could hear her breathe. We waited for them to pass/ stumble by and were out of our eyesight, and we hurriedly changed the tyre, not believing what we had just witnessed.  

We departed leopard mountain having saw some

amazing creatures, some pumbas, porcupines, cheetahs, elephants, African wild dogs, inyala, impala, koodu, buffalos, white and black rhinos, the list goes on. It was here I had to say goodbye to Tempah, my Zulu prince (he called me his beautiful Zulu Angel, and every other gullible female haha). We left our ranger, Bea, and set off for Cape Town on another turbulent Mango flight.

The flight was horrific. I was definitely happy when we landed or skidded on the runway. Cape town was instantly a hit. We left the comfort of the airport and saw the discomfort of the shanty townships which was saddining to me however the landscape was picturesque and somehow it all worked. Our hotel was seaside at Seapoint. Our stunning new home was The Hyde apartments; the rooftop pool was the epitome, overlooking Table Mountain and supporting Liss’s and my desire to become three shades darker in a day, although our tinge of red the next morning was a disappointing result. We kicked off with a morning run and explored the amazing city. Cool place, great little bars, the city felt safe, people were polite and the shopping was top notch. Wednesday we drove to the national park and went swimming with the penguins at Boulders beach, a highlight, all of them reminded me of Happy Feet or Mick Boyland. We had dinner with the Pfisters and were told facts about animals from Jo’s adorable son’s, who apparently know more about the Platypus than I know- who else knew that the Platypus was the only male to lay eggs? Our final full day was again up early, but this time for a wine tour. We visited three wineries and managed only to get a little bit tipsy, but added some more to the hips with the biltong and cheese. The highlight was Liss stating that she could taste undertones of toilet water when she tried the Sav Blanc and I finally got her to like one red wine- a nice bottle of Syrah.   

 

The final day I decided to combat my touching thighs and set off for a run. It was only supposed to be 4kms, but when the shops were closed at the other end, I turned around and ran back for our final breaky. I passed ‘The Marathon Man’ Eddie Izzard who was close to completing his 27 marathons in 27 days, I said ‘Guten Tag’ and got goose bumps as I passed, although I had no idea who he was, I assumed by his entourage he was doing a great thing, and when I got back and googled, I saw I was right. Liss and I said her goodbyes to her parentals and flew our final Mango flight to Joburg, thankfully this time, it was peaceful, the pilot clearly could fly, and landed well. However Mango is on my personal never to fly again list, with Ryanair. We had our last supper at Jackson’s at Joburg airport and boarded separate flights. Mine another exit seat, hers a much longer middle seat cramped flight. I had a minor anxierty when there was a screaming baby next to me and I couldn’t find my hallucinagent sleeping tablets – stilnoct, however as it turned out I was sitting next to a pharmacist who handed me 10mg of candy which put me nicely to sleep after part 2 of Hunger Games MockingJay and I woke up just under 2 hrs from landing, baby still screaming.   

South Africa, top marks. Your coffee is alright, your eggs are overcooked, Your tinder men are second only to Hong Kong’s and Cape Town rocks my massive world. I’ll be back. 5 spuds.   

Southern Hemisphere Hoo Haa - Australia

The last few weeks in London were hectic. The weather was absurdly cold and I’d started getting angry and over London. The cold snap hit later than usual, and the rides home became arduous with head on gale winds and rain drenching my eyes. I visited the physio the last week prior to leaving three times and was so busy at work I was sending emails from the tarmac. I was thrilled when I finally boarded the plane and set off.

If I wasn’t already dreading the 25hr plane ride enough, I was surprised to learn that there was a ‘surprise’ stopover in Singapore to refuel. This meant I had to work out the correct time to devour my sleeping tablets and without knocking myself out and being spacey for the stopovers, usually just after the first meal service I’d pop one and it would engage me in some form of sleep at best and relaxation in the least.

Table 11

Landing in Australia was weird. I was surprisingly anxious, and unlike previous trips home, I hardly had any nails. I was soon put to ease when I was picked up by Maria and I noticed the drive in had barely changed, only a few new places on an otherwise familiar route home. It was a quick changeover before it was Andy and Kim’s wedding time aka ‘the reason Mones flew home' and 'the girl Mones met in Hamburg at her lowest point in life’. Their wedding was great – both glowing with love. It was wonderful to see both families having a crazy fun time and try to incarnate the hoo haa that was occurring on Table 11 which housed two international fifo’s - Rob and I. Rob looking superb after his three day fifo mission from Indonesia. One of the funniest moments of the wedding was the priest lady saying that she had just bought the parasols so please don’t flog or damage them… twice. Sunday I was lucky enough to see a heap of my mates and smash some Vietnamese and a bottle of Champs (courtesy of Kris) on Vicco Street.

The next few days were a whirlwind and barely deviated from my spreadsheet. Bianca came home late Sunday night from Peru and we jetted off early Monday to meet mum, dad and Granny in Torquay. Torquay was awesome as usual, we spent our Torquay days by the beach, frequenting my fav breaky haunts and Tuesday night we went for a family dinner at the cousins in Ocean Grove. It was great seeing all the cousins’ children being loud, crazy and grown up so much in 12 months. One of the kids was hilarious and pointed at granny’s mole on her upper lip and said she would get her wart remover to fix it! That night I was fortunate enough to pop in to my mate Andy’s place and catch up with my footy crew, the Eden’s.

Leaving on Wednesday Traralgon bound it was a fab little catch up with friends at mum and dads new house. It was weird having returned after over a year. I didn’t get to Traralgon on my last visit so I hadn’t been there

since November 2014, when I still had my Nonna, and  my family home with the glorious resort pool. This time, there was no Sunderland circuit mansion, the pool was utilised on the fine hot day by another family, my Nonna’s house was gone and replaced with mum and dads new house. It was bizarre not entering via the back entrance and seeing an almost identical view with the old garage but not entering Nonna’s house and smelling sugo. In its place is a modernish home. My room is spacious, presumably it’s in case mum needs to put a cot in there (wishful thinking). There is also no bath in addition to the lack of pool, so my incentive to return is significantly decreased, however I still look forward to seeing my family, friends, and visiting Three Little Birds. Lynny put on a great spread and we had a great turn out in Traralgs, having some decent throw backs with my dear friends Alice, Lell, Kimmay Stoll, the Gathercoles, Malco’s and Chan sleeping over like old times. My god son P.S. is now tall and hugged me which is worth a mention as he is usually far less affectionate than Bj and Rubes who love a hug.   

I was out of Traralgs the next morning and headed for Melbs, where I was relieved to spend my grand finale days prior to South Africa, seeing my fabulous friends, frequenting my fav haunts; middle park beach in front of Sandbar Restaurant and my old trusty brunchy East Elevation and Green Park. I also got to see more of Meady who was off work sick as his

Gee & Mones

flesh was being consumed by an antibiotic resistant super bug. Friday night out was a scandal with a proposal from Josh with a BMW key ring, his mind undoubtable obscured by the effects of alcohol, having had two months off. I felt privileged that he drank for me and look forward to my watch and the Maldives J. It was a nice coincidence to share my drinks with Luke’s 30^th celebrations too at the new haunt Arbory, and seeing a bunch of mates I thought I wouldn’t see , including Lagos BF. Here I was reunited with my beloved Izzy who stayed over and kept me company like old times in London. Saturday surprisingly I woke up alright (Izzy, not so good) and had a house party BBQ where I got to consume my fav Beef sausages and potatos tots. I also had a great turn out, with more London visitors – Iz and Gee (my caramel coloured netball boyfriend) and I got to see Phoebs, the newly engaged Jayno, Wife Laura plus her new brown eyed beau Michael, Kate, Lily + tribe, Gaz and boys. The night owl saw us deviate down Brunswick Street and being serenaded to at the place next to Black Pearl by the hot to trot Hugo who somehow got away with dropping my least fav P word without me going nuts at him. Best On Ground was Phoebs gyrating some dudes legs and proclaiming to me that everyone was boring, and needed to dance haha.           



Mones, Yank & Lell - Friends +30 years



Finally the last day Sunday, I returned to Middle Park and got to spend the last day getting some rays. Boom Boom dropped by and then I went to Republica for Blaise’s birthday where I got to spend some final precious hours with KB, Phoebs and Kim. My whirlwind week was over and I was grateful to everyone I saw, sad for those I missed and annoyed with all the movement as I boarded the plane for another three flights to get there adventure in South Africa.

A very Monesy Christmas!

The silly season has well and truly come this year; I have been out nearly every night at something. That, hangovers, a cold, doing my back and getting the cold back, I’ve been a bit of a mess of late! Coupled with the few boyfriends I am trying to maintain – Christmas has been hard work!!Those of you that know me well know how much I love Jesus. And how much I also love an indulgence and specifically over-indulgence of booze. The Christmas work parties are frequent, so frequent in fact; I decided to give up booze again for lent next year. That was until I found out that lent went for 46 days that fell smack bang when I was in Australia and South Africa. As I’ve been looking forward to the wineries in South Africa and knowing Jesus too loved indulging in the red stuff (amongst other things, his mainly famous for turning water in to wine), I have decided to change the date of lent thus restoring my liver post the new year’s celebrations - from 1^st January to the 15^th February. I’ve spoken to Jesus, he is fine with this.

Last year I forgot to get a flu jab, cos I arrived at a weird time, this year, the amount of times I’ve had some form of flu, I was booked in for the jab the first day it became available. The lady laughed that I was the only person under 60 booked in on the first day! This winter I’m bulking – I got weighed the other day and I’ve nearly hit 70 Kg’s almost 5 kg’s over my most enormous weight ever. Not only do I eat dessert every night – I get anxiety if I don’t have the ingredients to make dessert- crepes are my specialty. I have almost nearly ran out of Caramello koalas too, at my peak I had 9 packets in stock, I’ve been rationing them out and now have only a few koalas left. Hopefully someone else visits soon as I’m in need for some Strawberry Freddo’s too!   

Although it’s unseasonably warm here, it is starting to get cold and that combined with Christmas approaching I’ve been much more conscious of those doing it tough. I’ve made mates with the local homeless man Mark, taking him coffee and bikkies, or fruit on occasion, or having a chat about life. I also just got in the mail a reminder from the Red Cross that it’s time for me to give blood- thankfully it was in my gap between colds so I got to save a life this Chrissy. Once I got caught talking to my bike and the man that caught me goes “it’s fine, someone once told me even a rock has a soul”, I think the moral to my story is most people have a soul, so try and remember to  give to those in need if you can.  

I remember being anxious going to bed each Xmas eve as a child. I was always so worried I would get coal from La Bafana – I wonder if Mrs Begalow frightened all the kids in to believing they would receive coal, but whatever it was, each year I was convinced I would get coal, as I was a particularly naughty child! I used to always sneak to try and catch Santa, or put pepper in the sandwiches I left out for him. When I grew up we used to have Xmas Eve Cocktail parties at the Bortolin’s with mine and Bianca’s mates dropping in intermitted and Lynny supplying her amazing hospitality as usual.  Tonight- Xmas eve I’m spending at my good friend Catarina’s house, with her precious daughter Amelie and her mum and dad. My tremendously talented mate Lily is in town so she has been looking after me during this second bout of cold and is also celebrating Christmas with us. London does Christmas well, with lights everywhere and rude Christmas suits and jumpers.  

Christmas morning in Sunderland Circuit we would pop over to the Tripodi’s after we woke up and opened our gifts. It was an annual tradition that Yank and I have kept doing as we have grown older, they now have little families of their own so it has been amazing watching them excited on Xmas day. Although it was different when we lost Lell’s dad Vince, it always felt like he was around anyway sitting in his chair, telling amusing jokes and stories or being told off for making marks in the carpet with his frame ha-ha!! Lell’s mum Francis is the ultimate hostess with the mostess also, with lots of chopped fruit platters early in the AM for us to consume. I’d then duck off home, and grab Nonna for mass (also timed so I didn’t have to do too much cooking in the morning, as much as it pained mother who was diligently cooking for us and the oldies. Mass would finish and we’d be back to mum’s just in time for lunch at which point Granny and Pa would join with Aunty Bett. This Christmas I’m off to mass with my friend Joy. I’ve explained to her my annual Xmas outings to mass with my Nonna (not only my get out of helping mum to cook Xmas morning)-  they were Mones and Nonna time, so Joy knows she is pretty awesome to stand in for Nonna this year! Almost every year I’d take off after lunch and head to Hoddo’s for Mez’s fudge (and to see the Hodgson’s), I’d then be back in time for dins at mum’s – which was generally a seafood extravaganza and Aunty Sally and Uncle Bri baby would drop in later on and that would be midnight before you know it.

Last Year's Orphan Xmas

This Christmas lunch is at Lissa’s place where we’ll be partaking in an orphan Christmas lunch with 13 of us. My fam will be spread between Aus, the Philippines and Heaven this Christmas. Boxing day, instead of the annual pilgrimage with Daddy to the MCG for the Boxing Day Test Match / KB’s birthday, I will be enroute to Gatwick to fly to Gran Canaria. Average temp all week of 24 degrees. A bit of Fomo kicked in and I managed to snag myself a last minute return flight for 150£ whilst I was bored in a workshop about IT/AV at work. My goal is to bring home a Spanish ham in my luggage so Bianca Lambert and I can file off slithers and be little wogs together! I hope everyone has a great coal free Christmas, surrounded by their loved ones, present or ever-present in the bright stars in the sky Buon Natale!

#MONESISM'S



Birthday Eve

Wow, 30 came, and so much has happened! Stevie J has left the Cats, the Cats didn’t make the finals, Australia got smashed in the test cricket, Buddy Franklin got sad, I’ve been boating in Greece, and we have ourselves a new PM! 

I had the most spectacular welcoming to my 30’s commencing with a Medsailors team dinner and the sculling of some rose (this was not my idea), followed by the release of the rose` in to some bushes (sadly, this is not the first time the plants have been watered by rose`). Anyway the climax was definitely waking up nude (it was too hot to sleep clothed) and getting a hug 

from our skipper- perfect Mike, (who unfortunately was clothed) followed by some boat balloons and some gluten free ice cream cake dessert with my boat buddies- who made me feel as ‘special’ as I most genuinely am – literally the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER and I’m having more shenanigan’s this weekend! 

Birthday Morning Waking up to my Card!

What has 30 brought with it? Well, I’m still single and have dominated my life so far single, though you’d rarely have known it as I 

Hair of the Dog Champers - FAIL

call most of my male friends ‘boyfriends’ or ‘my boys’ as I affectionately refer, and have done so since ‘my boys’ used to visit the house and I’d feed them pasta and killer milk shakes, while Lino tried his hardest to scare them off. The feeding has continued…it, along with my shaking leg has become my mating call. Although, don’t stress guys- it’s not always a case of me being an ‘opportunist’, it is mostly the fact that my wog hostess skills mean that I have overcooked for one person and just need a hand to finish off my food. I hate wasting food, as my precious Nonna lived through the war, and never wasted anything. Once, hungover I ordered big at brunch and when it arrived could only manage four bites, so called my wife to come and assist. Nek minute my wife rocked up with her cling wrapped smoked salmon to add to the corn fritters I’d barely touched and delightedly she finished my meal.

Wife finishing my meal!



 Monesism#1: Mones’ numerous ‘Boyfriends’…

There is coffee shop boyfriend, bike shop boyfriend, netball boyfriend, Yorkshire boyfriends, Lagos boyfriend, and there are two boyfriends with inappropriate nicknames just to name a few... most of their nicknames are relevant and assist in story telling so for this purpose I can’t get through this blog without mentioning another of my ‘boyfriends’ – Ultra Marathon James.

One London night in June, post visiting my mum and dad’s temp London abode and consuming a mere three bottles of wine with Catarina, I decided to stop halfway enroute home and visit my Ginger friend Stu’s work circa midnight (after he texted me he was hungry).. Thoughtfully, I rocked up with half a bottle of wine and a slice of gluten free bread... after annoying him a bit, I noticed he was actually doing work (and he kind of got shitty with my Jesus last supper contribution of bread and wine) I decided he was boring and begun the rest of the walk home- a mere 1km stumble after numerous bottles of wine. Some 200m from home I noticed a dude wearing a water back pack thing with his business suit, so naturally my backward at coming forward self told this stranger that he ‘looked ridiculous’ and I asked him if he’ ran home like that?’ as I overtook him. He then ran up beside me and struck up a conversation before being slightly too forward and trying to kiss me. Having just seen Lino, I could hear him in the back of my head saying ‘Who is this dickhead?’ so I told my new friend he wasn’t allowed to kiss me until he took me on a date- naturally, our first date was the first place we found that was open- The Brown Cow which closed on us, and so we headed to the Durrell for our first date just before 1am. I nearly fell asleep at the table and so naturally agreed that he walk me home *(literally next door) as the lights simultaneously came on. I grabbed his phone number and messaged him after a few months (when I remembered I had it) we caught up again and it turns out he is moving to Australia in December. I don’t know if it’s a theme but a few of my ‘boyfriends’ are doing an exodus from the country. Girthy (inappropriately named BF) was the first, and then tinder Ryan and yesterday one of my York boyfriends informed me he is leaving too! Soon I will require a new boyfriend to date- so I made the exec decision to apply for Channel 4’s Dinner Date…. fingers crossed I get cast and can cook my new dinner date boyfriend a scrumptious Gluten Free feed.  

 #Monesism2: being a Glutard

I know it’s painful to dine with me, however if any of you have had the pleasure of my company when my instant rash forms and my belly triples in size to become my affectionately named friend ‘Pumba’ you would understand it’s not through choice. I also am unsure as to whether my Hernia ‘Hermes’ was born from eating Gluten and my stomach expanding through my belly button or whether I gained him when I lifted all 83 kegs of Andy Eden up when Jimmy Bartel scored a goal in the outer, however, as not anyone took a liking to him or the gluten rash, I am now living my life as a Glutard.

Perfect Mike With Us Girls

The boat was hilariously fun with eight of the most amazing chickas a girl could ask for. I couldn’t have been spoilt anymore. It was so funny upon boarding and seeing our skipper *youngish tall brunette (criteria met) and he asked who ‘gluten free’ was. I said I am, and he said ‘cool, I am too a bit’ so naturally the joke instantly came in my head that it would be a lovely gluten free wedding cake tower! So our initially nicknamed skipper Mike turned in to disco Mike instantly when he played some ripping tunes on his pod then by that night PM and I noticed he was capable at doing most things i.e. paddle boarding, skipping the boat, putting up with my creep comments, and showering, he gained the nickname ‘Perfect Mike’, which is signed on my birthday card. Unfortunately there was no reciprocity with my creep advances ha-ha.  

Only this morning I was buying a coffee at Store Street and I saw the menu had smashed avo, so I asked “Do you have gluten free bread?” the chick was like “No, it doesn’t taste as good” to which I replied, “You clearly haven’t shit yourself before”. Then she went red and retreated with “well I actually like gluten free bread”. Ha-ha… great Segway for the next #Monesism:

  #Monesism3; #MonesSaysItHowItIs

Most of you know I am very honest and very backward in coming forward. I’m mostly always right too, not to the extent of Perfect Mike or my friend Liss who is mostly always right too. Most of my greatest moments are football related… Lino has always been scared that my teeth would get knocked out with some of my comments. There was the time at the Grand Final, Cats V Hawks 2008 where I got absolutely wasted, grabbed a policeman’s radio from his belt, and said over the radio “Go Cats”. He was mortified and threatened to kick me out. There we go that moving line… I think I just crossed it! Then there was the time at the MCG at the Cats V Freo final where I was getting tormented from a bogan Freo supporter (standard) outside the box I was dining in, and I told her to call 1300 GO JENNY…

My lovely boat beauties

Most recently in Ios, when I became friends with some dudes from Maroubra and we went out and they were playing ‘Mr. Splashy Cashy’ and spending up big (I couldn’t work out why they had so much coin, so naturally just assumed it was drug related, however they were very inclusive with me so I really took no notice and I was having a super night out with them, pretending to punch the bouncer (he acknowledged that my boxing has been paying off). Anyhow one guy had 2035 tattooed on his back so I asked what Marty McFly (Back to the Future) did in that year? …he didn’t think it was funny, and said it was a post code, to which I showed him my 3844, 3057, 3068, 3227, SW67LY and SW65SB tattoos (jokes)… I continued to hang shit on him and his mates asking if their tattoos were modelled on Daryl Braxton from Home & Away. It literally wasn’t until the next day at the beach when I saw my ‘bouncer boyfriend’ and he affectionately hugged me (only after I promised I wouldn’t punch him) that he informed me they were indeed Bra Boys!!! 

IOS

But then whatever my foot in mouth has got me to 30, I’m sure it will continue. Thanks for coming along with me on my journey. Let’s hope the next 30 are just as kind and exciting. Let’s face it – you’re only as old as the person you’re feeling. So right now I’m 24.