PART 1 - THE OTHER SIDE

I landed late in Tel Aviv –after mid night in 38 degree heat on a holy day where public transport doesn’t run, Friday until Saturday evening. It was 1:30am before I got to the hostel to check in. I asked the man at reception what time my tour left in the morning, and he said which tour? I said “the best of the West Bank” and he replied “half 6”, to which I replied “grim” and he replied “you’re going to the West Bank what do you expect?” I left that there and it was nearer 2 when I was trying to put the sheets on my upper bunk bend without waking everyone up. The upper bunk deserves a mention in itself as it has no edge piece, so I spent the night awake, scared to move, in fear I would fall to my death, though merely rolling over. It was also stifling hot – apparently one of the ladies couldn’t sleep with the air conditioner and fan on, so we all had to die in 38 degree heat that rose. Bearing in mind I had come from shitty miserable London (though I’m told it came good as soon as I left and has been sunny and 27 ever since).  

So on no sleep (was a mixture of too hot to sleep, too scared to roll over and too scared I would miss the alarm that prevented me from sleep), I woke up for my half 6am pickup, it was in my haste of the evening prior to leave the airport, that I remembered I didn’t get any money out. Was super lucky I was befriended by a (I was going to say hot Spaniard, but realised he may read this as we are now facey friends, however for benefit of the story…) named Fernando from Madrid wearing a Stussy T-shirt (cue Stussy sign S in 1990 Grade 1 with Miss Bryce) for the journey, and he paid for me the whole day until I got money out to pay him back.

A brief pick up at Jerusalem, where our Palestinian tour guide joined us. This is rare, as because it was Easter and he is Christian, he was able to meet us on the Israeli side, and go through the check point to Palestine with us.

I must say, I expected more security there and back, but it seemed as we are a bus, and our number plates matched according to whatever regime place we were going to and from, we were exempt. The middle ground is eerie. Barbed wire and war like. In case you can’t be bothered Wiki-ing: ‘the West Bank is an area of 5,628 square kilometres, which comprises 21.2% of former Mandatory Palestine (excluding Jordan) and has generally rugged mountainous terrain. The total length of the land boundaries of the region are 404 kilometres.’ The area is divided in to three areas:

• Area A: 18% of the West Bank exclusively administered by Palestinian Authority
• Area B: 22% of the West Bank and home to 2.8 million Palestinians, administered by both the Palestinian Authority and Israelis, this area is being geared up to be handed over to the Palestinian people.
• Area C: all other areas totalling more than 60% under full Israeli civil and security control this area is restricted for any Palestinian development. This area was supposed to be handed back in part, and basically Israel reneged on the agreement and since 1999 the population has increased from minimal numbers to more than double at 350k, interestingly it is also the home to many of the natural resource – perhaps its best if you carry on the research from here... 

Ramallah

We started the morning Ramallah. Described as the ‘modern, vibrant, cultural capital’ of the West Bank, I’m not entirely convinced by the modernity however was impressed to see there was a KFC (culture). It was then I asked Fernando if there was a Maccas. (My query was later answered at the West Bank Wall where the graffiti artist had created my favourite piece inscribed with “When McDonalds is on the other side of the wall of your outdoor prison… Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.”) 

Yassar Arafats tomb

Enroute we stopped at the tomb of Yassar Arafat. This is a sacred place to the Palestinians…. (apparently as we were told they line up and fill the tomb)…however when we were there, we were the only ones there, except for machine gun hot guard man! Now apart from googling afterwards and the one sided version I heard from our guide, all I remembered of Mr Have a fat (sorry had to be done!) was the man who wears the towel on his head and a picture came to mind where he was shaking the hand of an Israeli politician in front of Bill Clinton. The USA and France are my equal favourites to hate when it comes to politics. Without going in to great detail I believe this picture to be very relevant as both those men won Nobel Peace prizes in 1994, before Arafat was held for 34 months by the Israeli military in his compound/ almost martyred. The French have a memorial in France in honour of Arafat... Of course they do. They also have a memorial in honour of the 9/11 victims. I wonder if they should build a memorial for the Aborigines…oh wait, there is no political motive to. You see, that is why I can’t stand France and politics.   

Jericho

More bus time before heading to Jericho/ aka. the/ or one of the/ oldest places on earth, Jericho has walls dating back to 9,000BC. It is certainly one of the hottest places I’ve been to (and thank the lord, literally it was a cooler day)… The whole time in my head I was thinking about Jericho from the WWE’s “Break the walls down” (insert crying with laughter emoji). It was amazing to see the Mount of Temptation from below. For those playing along, that is said to be where Jesus was tempted by the devil (Matthew 4:8). I was most in awe by the little city etched out in the mountains.

Next we went to Qasr-el-Yahud, the ancient baptism site of Jesus on the banks of the Jordan River. Here to my hilarity we were 5 meters from the Jordanian border, which was a pool lane separator thing. I didn’t get in my white gear and dunk my head in to feel re-born, though I did put my feet in to the muddy water and say a prayer to Nonna. In fact, she was on my mind constantly. The water was delightfully cool against my skin and I’m glad to say my post easter sins are now gone since my feet were baptised. 

Next off we went to the city of Jesus’s birth, Bethlehem. Here, I saw my favourite Banksy piece of a Palestinian extremist throwing flowers on the side of the Walled off Hostel. 

The first thing you notice about Bethlahem is the rubbish everywhere. I was told that the rubbish tip is located in Area B which is in the Israeli dominated mixed zone, and there is a charge for each tonne of rubbish. Again, I’m hearing one side, I will try and explain the other side in more detail in the next blog. The first stop was the Church of Nativity, here it is said Jesus was born. To say I felt close to my home boy is an understatement. I couldn’t stop feeling tingly and thinking of my Nonna, who spent her life believing but never got to see. I didn’t bother to line up to see the cave or grotto that is marked by a silver star as there was a couple of hours line; however we did peek a boo from an adjacent cave that led to that place, from the 15^th Century Church of St Catharine next door, a beaut in herself. The church of Nativity itself has been restored to its former glory and you can tell how beautiful it once was, lots of gold mosaics cover the walls, and mosaic tiles are shown from the original building from the 6^th century. 

Finally we walked through the old city, adjacent to the separation barrier seeing the graffiti art of the likes of Banksy and my local man Lushsux. Our tour guide informed us that the wall was a segregation wall, status wall, the like. It shows supremacy. It was daunting to see the sheer mass of the wall – I would estimate 30meters tall; with guard towers. Ironically it reminded me of the war camps I had visited in Germany, and made me wonder whether we had indeed learnt from our mistakes of the past. I don’t know if I’m reminded of the hunger games or my dear own country that imprisons many seeking asylum on foreign land. I have started to lose faith in humanity and all I care to say is that my belief it that ‘hate breeds hate’. Locking up the majority in hope you are locking up terrorists, makes the general majority that are suppressed become spiteful of their treatment. Generations that are born in to this will be bred with more hatred and dissolution.  But hey, my little blog won’t be the saviour of many. And I will try my best to convey the other opinion in my PART2 BLOG: THE SIDE.

Many people told me or asked me to be safe in the West Bank. If I’m honest I never felt unsafe while I was there, I felt more unsafe at breakfast in Tel Aviv when a plain clothed young man brought his machine gun to breakfast.  I nearly said something, i.e. is it really necessary to bring your machine gun to brunch? I mean this brings me back to part of the reason I felt unsafe in Egypt – who polices the police? Palestine was certainly an eye opener and I am super glad I went and saw it.

Lushsux 

That night I reconvened with the Spaniard – Fernando and we went and bought beers at the off licence and went to the beach to watch the sun set, we then went to have dinner and had cocktails at the Tacorea and drinks on the roof at our hostel where we met some more Spaniards and the Aussie Nowra born Prague living tour guide I went on to hang out with the next night. Was a great ending to a tiring, draining and humid night. 

The Fatherland, and the Borderland to the Fatherland

An eventful couple of weeks and a couple of great getaways to close out my annual leave for the year at the half way mark.  Basically I thought I would move back to Oz at the end of the year so front loaded my leave... then decided I wouldn’t move home, so now have no leave!

Anyhow it started with me flying to the fatherland; Italy, to surprise mum and dad the second weekend in June. I hadn’t had the opportunity in my life to date to see my dad interact with many of his cousins, and none of his male ones, even though I myself had had the privilege of meeting them a couple of occasions prior, it has never been all together.

On Nonna’s side there is one particular that looks a fair bit like Lino and he is a massive joker like dad so I was super keen to see them all together. It was great too to surprise mum as I had joked I was going over but then I told her I couldn’t make it as it meant that I would miss my flatty’s 30^th. But all good Patty understood how cool the experience would be and this also gives us the opportunity now to keep the party going on until next month when I take Patty out for her birthday dinner! I spent my days in Italy starting early on the spritz’s early with Cugina’s at a local wine bar. We went there every morning just before noon, spent the day there socialising, enjoying a 'lock-in' during siesta too which was great fun. I was also very pleased to see Maria’s cugina Barbara too, who as per usual, made me

La Familia

feel very welcome.

It was fab to see everyone a year on, Zoe had grown up so much. At one stage she got very animated and disappointed when she found out I wasn't staying at her house this time and i was staying at a hotel as she thought it was because I didn't like them or the house, bless!!

Our dinner party in the twelve disciple tent at Giordano's was just lots of wine and plates and plates of prosciutto and the leaving lunch BBQ at Mauro's were my highlights as they basically involved stacks of meat. To give a quick synopsis of Bortolin/ Feletto family history - half my dad's mum's side (the Feletto's) went to Argentina, and dad's cousin Mauro is now back living in Italy. He is an Italian baker brought up in Argentina, so he is the best cook in the world - cue BBQ photo now!

Meat!

Dad w/ Mauro & Giordano

After another emo goodbye with the fam bam, I had a working week before taking off on Friday to fly to Split Croatia for the sail. Jimmy – Alice’s little brother had been staying in London and was also on the sailing trip, and as he was out getting lucky the night before the departure and I got stuck with some awful tube strike at home, I sent him out on a mission to get our lunch kebabs so I could maximise my working from home the Friday rather than waste time getting food. (That and the kebab guys now have seen so much of me not only do they remember my order by heart - but I’ve bulked on the KG’s.) Jimmy described me as 'podgy', whilst dad described me as 'fat' he caveated it by saying that it's because I always call him fat, which I cannot honestly recall. Thanks guys.

La Cuginas

And so, we jetted off from Gatwick on an A320 Croatian Airlines plane. It was quite hilarious when I said to Jim; I just wish they would just give out Olives that would be the best meal because I love green olives. It was like the Croatian airline God's were listening because next thing you know, the meal tray comes along and there were cheese and olives. My Italiano self was loving life. Jimmy was super gentleman and saw me salivating, so saved me some of his olives even though he was starving!

We arrived in Split, Croatia quite late so we got a transfer to our fabulous apartment and went out for dinner. Dinner was tiring, those Croats took their time. Jimmy trying to be posh ordered the cloggiest pasta I’ve even seen. It was basically cheese and cream.

Waking up the next day we headed off to have a chill morning, walk around, see some Game of Thrones shit and then meet the girls around midday. So on the boat there was Jimmy, Me and my mate Nicole, and Nicole’s mates. Although they are really nice people, they like me, have big personalities and are quite opinionated so often we clashed (surprise surprise). There was one random on our boat – nicknamed Gator *or Spider sometimes for me as he looked like Boom Boom’s old housemate Spider, and a sick skipper called Toby – who doesn’t quite meet my minimum requirements for half my age plus seven.

Our Boat

We arrived at the boat, had our meet and greet and then went to buy booze and floaties, the staple for a week at sea. It was at the store that I first used my initiative to buy the display donut floaty as I was dreaded to blow that thing up with my crappy lungs. I was stoked when the lady at the shop let me have him and set the precedent for Gator buying his Gator blown up also. The first day of the sail was awesome. I love being on the boat. It’s my fav place. Second to my niece, I miss the beach and ocean the most; especially Torquay my fav place (Australia and not UK). I just love the freedom I feel there, and that’s exactly how I feel on the catamaran, (though I probably felt it more on the 58 ft catamaran we had in Turkey as opposed to the 48 ft one or whatever it was we were now on!).

The days were spent tanning, the nights were spent partying. My favourite thing is to wake up with a hangover and dive in to the ocean. The only thing better is to wake up without a hangover J Poor Toby was sick the first few days so was in pretty poor form, he was well impressed catering for a glutard, one vegan that was lactose intolerant and two fake vegetarian/ vegans! Jimmy was in love instantly with Gator, and then dumped him and exchanged his man love for Gator for a blonde skipper named Harry.

Skipper Toby & I

The scenery in Croatia was awesome. The food was exceptional, I literally cannot count the amount of times I ate grilled squid. Second night in Hvar, it was bloody awesome. We peaked early and had a ridiculous speed boat ride back to the marina in an intense storm. There were chicks freaking out telling us not to use our mobiles, but really apart from getting entirely drenched, it was exhilarating counting the time between the thunder and lightning.

The third night in Jimmy had a big night. In fact we lost him, and I was super paranoid that Alice (Jimmy’s elder sister) would crack it at me for losing her little brother. I think the paranoia was what led me to set the alarm for 7am so I could go and look for him if he didn’t make it back to the boat. He rolled in at 6am; having passed out in some seedy laneway probably... thankfully he was in one piece and not chopped up like my nightmare, so Alice and I are still friends. 

The next day was the roughest, the whole day I spent at the front of the boat- trying not to vomit. I was super jealous Jimmy was passed out all day. Dinner though i can't remember, was most probably grilled quid, the staple for my time in Croatia. The next morning we got up and I was in some of my best form on the paddle board on the back of the boat, in a crystal blue lagoon when a speedboat from a super yacht came past. I was yelling out “Ice Cream” and they came up and were like “sorry, what did you say?” to which I replied “I would really love some ice cream” before they said they would bring soft drink to my disappointment and left back to shore. We had an amazing lunch from the now recovered but still sulky Toby, and had just pulled up anchor to leave when the speedboat returned waving their arms for us to stop. They then proceeded to hand me a plastic bag (whilst concurrently trying to lift me on to their speed boat!) I ended up trading a kiss on the cheek for the full plastic bag, great choice cos when I opened the bag I found two bottles of wine and some soft drinks! Whoop whoop! That night i obviously won sailor of the day. It was hard not to beat me scabbing gifts for the boat from strangers. 

Jimmy & I

The final night on the boat, just before heading out I was just walking over the net, and sprained my ankle. Thankfully we had some first aiders who tied an ice bag around it and I was on my way out and about. That night was eventful, I went out, came back to the boat, and decided it was too boring to head to sleep, so went back out. By the time I got back, Nic and I had had a gut full (literally) and had a tiff, then the next minute we’d made up and she decided to tell Jimmy to sleep elsewhere cos she was sleeping with me, then she came in to the room said good night and slept on the deck! So I scored the last night sleeping on my own. We did have a little expedition to an undisclosed boat to drop off a mobile phone to remove evidence that person had been on our boat too.

Our final day on the boat was spent flashing the boats enroute to docking in Dubrovnik and doing flips in Dubrovnik port. Again I had to tip the skipper big as I’d been a massive creep most of the trip –despite the fact he was 20 and didn’t meet my half age + 7 year minimum (Look out Toby in three years’ time!) and for compensation for seeing more of mine and Nicole’s nipples than he saw other boats.

Jimmy and I checked in to our other amazing air bnb and both had really long showers. We piked early and decided to save our energy for a massive explore on our final day in Dubrovnik.  After heading to the beach at Dubrovnik for two milkshakes and a dip, we were delighted to catch the Cats game after scamming some nearby Wi-Fi and met fellow boaties – our famous beat boxing mates

Squid

The Steps where we spent half a day

from WA with whom Jimmy had a beat box off the night before and might I say I was a very proud guardian as he very much stood his own, just wish i could find the vid to post!

We spent most of the final day trekking the walls with my injury, which was hard work and the remainder of the day sitting on steps, whilst Jimmy filled out his travel journal and I snoozed and people watched. My last supper was seafood gnocchi.

Our transfer back to the airport was bitter sweet, obviously we were leaving a great place, I was saying farewell to Jim too to continue his adventures elsewhere in Europe, but Nicole had found love with the transfer driver, though he wasn’t quite old enough.. See we have different age criteria us two, the range of difference being circa 25 years!!! I'm sure we will go back as we promised. It as my second time in Croatia, and each day was still breathtaking. 

Special couple of weeks in the fatherland and the border to the fatherland. 

The United States of Awesome - Pre Mexican Wall and H-Bomb

Three years in London and what better way to spend my anniversary than flying over my new home city and landing to a cool 9 degrees and slushy snow? Three years in the land of the monarchy, where coffee has only legitimately existed for the last three years, where escalator etiquette is at its finest where the average summer temperature is 19 degrees. Yay me X 3 !


So much world news, Assad being a dick, Trump being a bigger wanker than usual, and Kim Jong Un is threatening to drop some H-Bombs = it’s all happening. So it was timed perfectly to take off to the centre of the universe and self-proclaimed leader of the western world – the United States of Awesome.



Miami Penthouse

All exciting times the last few weeks... I’ve been aggressively sick with Asthma, but persevered through with some whinging, turboing through Miami, Mexico and Coachella as a weapon of massive consumption. To give some insight in to my holiday lead up, I was quite busy at work and didn’t end up organising the middle portion of my trip till I arrived in Miami. I was just too busy, and so my last minute FOMO holiday was super unorganised, apart from transferring Boom Boom some coin for my ticket; I still hadn’t worked out if I was headed to Canadia or somewhere else in the states. What I did decide was that I didn’t want to be with people I didn’t know or make new friends, so that cancelled somewhere else in the states – especially when I couldn’t get some steal of a deals to visit Caz or Meat Axe. So, I decided to fly to Mexico post Miami and see Boom Boom and Meady.

 

Heat Game w/ Bec!

First up was Miami - meeting up with my fav ginger ninja and one third of the Fulham BFF’s , culminating in two thirds of the BFF’s and double the fun whilst the other third of our Partay slumbered up with both Becs and my Familias in Oz. To give you some idea of the shenanigan’s - think two penthouses, a Miami Heat basketball game on arrival, copious cocktails and a coconut bong made by a Colombian we met Uber Pooling. Miami was next level.




Wynward

One half of our Colombian Carpool

Everything is larger than life; the people, the boobs on show, the booty, the alcohol slushies and the pizzas.  Cue – Do not to leave the pizza ordering up to me, especially when I am hungry. Three separate deliveries of 5 extra-large pizzas later we were due a hangover and skipped the morning Flywheel for some poolside action. Speaking of Flywheel- I broke my Flywheel cherry, and had a great class, busting out my lungs I was super impressed with the class - mainly by GinjaNinja’s ability to flog the pants off everyone else in the class and equal parts really confused.. I.e. I didn’t know Torque was gears, nor did I realise there were like 50 gears on a bike, so hence my confusion. The second class was much better, I felt like my lungs were actually getting better by this stage – but then again the partying was only just starting. We had a final cultural day at Wynward and an emo goodbye before I took off for Mexico.  





Mick, Me, Ryza & Tim from the Gym

I was bloody exhausted when I landed in Mexico, the hour or so kip in the transfer vehicle to Playa Del Carman helped and I arrived to very confused hotel staff and Mick explaining that I was his wife – Peter Boylan (who actually is Mick’s dad). I was equally confused as I thought Meady was in Mexico but no, I was given a Prosecco, added to Mr Shawn’s booking (Shawy) and guided to the pool to meet the other two passed out accompanying holiday guests – one of whom Tim from the Gym bore a striking resemblance with Bernie from Weekend at Bernies. It was fair to say the all-inclusive resort was a bit of a nice to have, especially when we were given a blow up pineapple for the pool. The first night we went out I wore my Batman top and met a bunch of superheroes - that ended up chasing Boom Boom down the street as we didn't pay for our photos - here I was expecting it to be normal to be dressed up as a superhero as I was! I organised the second day to go to Tulum with the other dude – DJ Ryza, who was mildly more sensible than the others and became my most trustworthy travel companion - which is weird – as he is a Richmond supporter, and we all know they suck (just joking MUM!!!).



The final night we paid $70 to go to some theatre club place that Boom Boom recommended, with pre-drinks at a place that made me dance on tables for my free tequila shot (that is the story I am sticking with) we were taking a chance as we had pretty much got kicked out of there the night before as we both accidently broke glasses! Anyhow the club was pretty squish and sweet and I decided to get my monies worth of included drinks as did the others. It wasn’t too long before the others had all got kicked. Actually Boom Boom got kicked out before the show started, then Shawy left sympathetically, then Tim from the Gym went to look for them, then he got dragged out and then it was just Ryza and i. I think he got himself deliberately kicked out so he didn’t have to babysit me. Regardless we all made it back in time to the hotel just in time for our 3:30am transfer to the airport to board our separate flights to LAX.

Coachella Crew, Canada, USA & Aussie Represent

This flight was probably up there with one of the worst. I was so cold for three and a half hours, and suffering the onset of a hangover. I was relieved to land, but so anxious about getting through Trump’s borders that I was glad I had invested in my manicure and didn’t feel the need to bite my nice nails to the tip. I was out of the airport in lightning speed (It helps when you flirt with immigration staff I find.) I waited bloody two hours for the boys before I succumbed to the need for internet and logged on to see Boom Boom had told me Budget rentals and they had gone to a different company. All was forgiven when they arrived in a Paedo White van with 6 In-&-Out Burgers, fries and thick shakes. Then begun Boom Boom’s awesome driving to Coachella. If anyone has been in the car with Boom Boom – you will understand. I think if he were an Uber driver he would have a great rating for personality but terrible one for jerking vehicle, erratic throttle usage and vibration from the side line that notifies you that you are swaying. Anyhow we arrived in one piece, full and entertained.   

 

I know most of my trip is about Coachella; however it is probably the thing I have the least to write about. The house was much fun, with a lovely pool, cramming 14 majority new friends in to the 8 bed place. One night Shawy was worried he couldn’t find Meady and I found him sleeping in the laundry! Coachella itself was such an awesome environment, like a new fun planet with circular dancing and colourful characters. I decided on Day 2 after having an amazing dance to Two Door Cinema club, that I would never go to slow music again, and I suddenly regretted wasting my time seeing / sleeping to Radiohead when there were other DJs I should have been dancing to ( It didn’t help that I suffered badly Day1 from sunstroke and vomited during The XX), concurrently Bon Ivor was thrown to the scrap pile and instead I saw Martin Garrix, Royksopp, Tove Lo, Hans Zimmer, lady Gaga, and so many

Boom Boom, Meady & I

other cool cool acts and I haven’t even mentioned my favourite place - The Simone tent – which was a 30m circumference cooled tent of house music!  It came to the final day and I broke my own rule, but it was justified for Kendrick Lamar’s new album, gladly made it post Humble to see the back end of Rufus and Boom Boom dancing on stage with him (this was actually funny cos Ryza goes, Mick is at Do Lab somewhere, and I was like ‘he is probably on stage with him knowing Mick and then I saw his rude leggings ha-ha).

The next morning I was picked up by my lovely new Boisey based friends Leah and Halle who came armed with bags of McDonalds breakfast for Ryza and I (the former of whom was coming off a high from watching the Tigers win whilst I had a glorious sleep). I squeezed in the back for the journey back to LA and slept most of the way to their mate Chris’s house. Chris is too cool not to mention. He has yellow hair

Chris, me, Halle & Leah

and a whole bloody music production studio in his house. We all semi unpacked the vehicle and went to Venice Beach for some people watching and lunch before heading back to Chris’s to meet his friend (who was equally as tall as Chris and much cool also as he had different coloured trainers on each foot). Jorge my Mexican Uber driver picked me up at 6pm to head to LAX. My final airport hours were spent catching up on the basketball playoffs, eating fish tacos and drinking beer. I took a hallucinogen sleeping tablet for my big jet ride out of there and that coupled with two movies saw the 9hr flight dissipate in to nothing. I actually watched the end of a Moonlight which is a very shitty weird movie, took the tablet, skipped my dinner, woke up with less than two hours till I landed then had to choose a short enough movie to watch. I looked out the window in time to see London clear and at its finest but by the time I got the tube to Hammersmith, slushy snow was falling on my shoulder.

 I know people get holiday/life envy from me. I’m not surprised actually my life and holiday times are second to none. But I must say now with all my mates away without me for Nic’s 30^th in Ibiza- some of my FOMO is kicking in again. It’s not like me to stay home and relax. Actually I don’t understand people who enjoy staying home, or having time off to chill at home and relax. I am so bored I am writing this blog / watching TV /trying to organise if I can justify going out ‘just for one’ even though my Asthma is consuming me. Anyhow wallow over… America – apart from the fact you never say “please” and your President is a C U Next Tuesday...  two thumbs up (in a V the wrong way round)!     

 

 

 

 

A Whole New World

Hi everyone and welcome to sunny Melbourne. I am already burnt, so I’m extremely happy to have spent some time out on the sun already!

It all started when I took off from Heathrow at 10pm. We have a three way chat going of banter between Lell, Bianca & I waiting patiently/ impatiently for baby Pettigrove. Quietly/ unquietly (P.S. JT- I'm aware this isn't a word!) I had decided that my best use of time would be for the Baby to be born before I got to Australia, thus optimising my time there, with both sister and baby. I had booked to arrive two days prior to the due date as I also had the wedding of Tosh and B to attend on the Friday 27^th and couldn’t flipping wait for either. Anyway Bianca messaged me privately at the airport saying, "don’t tell anyone, but I have been having contractions for two days and had only slept for 4-5hrs" (this is before the plane took off mind you!). 

The first leg I boarded, I decided to try and sleep. I’d had a nice thai feed for dinner, ignored my boss's advice to get to the airport three hours prior to departure, and just fancied a couple of stilnoct and some sparkling water , thus not breaking my dry/ boring January, so I decided to not purchase WiFi and do just that – sleep. I slept half of the time and I had some decent leg room so it wasn’t too bad. What was bad, was the Absolutely Fabulous movie and the plane food so I slept through both offerings.

By Dubai, I had WiFi again. Bianca was still trying to sleep and hadn’t really and we were trying to work out the pick-up should they be at the hospital during the next flight. I got a few hours’ sleep and watched three movie – Daughter (1/5 spuds, and possibly the lowest ranking Geoffrey Rush film ever. Also it had no ending so it lost a point). Blood Father (4/5 spuds) and a war mtovie, also 4 spuds, but can’t remember the name, everyone died, and surprisingly still didn’t cry as much as I did in finding Dory, which I put on for the last sleeping tab induced in and out of sleep portion of my flight.

With 17 minutes to land, that felt like 38 minutes.. it was touch and go whether they would be at the hospital or home. Then Pettie and Bianca texted they were still at home, and in underwear so just tell whoever is doing pick up to drop me off and don’t let them in. Thankfully, Hoddo was there when I got out the airport and he picked me up illegally and we were at Bianca’s by 7:30am. I walked in the door to a pained nude Bianca on the bouncy ball accidentally electric shocking herself too intensely each contraction which by this stage were three minutes apart. By this stage Lell wanted a pic of the both of us together. I said "between the next contractions; let’s take a face selfie that will shut her up." So that we did and then Bianca called the mid wife whilst we put on toast for her, and decided to go in post breakfast. She ate, we all showered then we were off. Of course Pettie drove; he is the calmer of all of us. Still Bianca told him off for being too fast even though we all know Pettie is the most patient and slowest driver in the world. By this stage we were around two minutes though so it was all happening. That was until we actually got to the hospital at 9am. Where Bianca pleaded she wasn’t making it up, but they basically stopped or weren’t as intense. As it was a public holiday, it was free parking so I waited until I heard (and cried) the baby’s heartbeat. All was fine so it was my cue to get out, go home and try sleep (BTW by the time we were checked in she was at 5cm!).

Bearing in mind I hadn’t slept for a while myself, and couldn’t complain to my sister at all, I hopped in to their car to drive home. Except, I couldn’t work out for the life of me how the car worked! Maybe the back end of the bopper pushed in to the steering wheel? Maybe it just sat there and there was a button? I dunno, but I couldn’t bloody find it. I sat there - legit 5 minutes before seeing the button and sleepily driving off back to the apartment (please also remember I hadn’t driven a car for over a year!).

Then I was so buzzing I couldn’t sleep. So circa lunch time, I put on some potato tots and beef snags (afterall it was Aussie day). At 1pm I received a message from my cousins wife that she and Christian had a baby boy at 1am that day and they had named him Ethan (cue the chart topping ‘Ethan your mine’ song I made up when I was 5 cos I had a crush on Ethan Hawke). How exciting, the cousins would be born on the same day! Thus gaining Grandma her ‘Twins!’. I ate and fell asleep briefly around 2pm before waking up at 3:30pm to Bianca “Hi, I haven’t had the baby yet, Andrew said you might be asleep but I was just ringing to say hi, I’ve just had an epidural, I feel great now, I can have a rest!” lol thanks Bianca I’d just fallen asleep. “Oh well it’s good to not sleep through the night” “yeah, cool its half hour till East Elevation closes I’ll go grab a coffee and go see Laura at Red’s.”

I don’t think I was at Red’s too long before I decided to go visit Mary and Shayne (Aunt and Uncle), I couldn’t tell them though that Bianca was in Labour so Laura said “just say they need some alone time”… So that’s what I did.

I waited for Christian and Shayne to come home from the hospital. By now it was nearly tea time, so Mary was preparing dinner. Christian came home, and was asking about Bianca. I’d told lies for so long, my nose was as big as the Pinocchio I’d bought the bubba for a gift. So I wrote a text “Bianca is in Labour, baby will be born in the next hour, don’t say anything” to which he replied “congrats on the promotion, and whispered ‘same day’.” Mary and Shayne were none the wiser when I took the first call from Bianca and left the house to talk to her. Bianca “Do you want to know?” “Of course YES”, “well, I’ll tell you, but I need to then call mum and dad so they know first, and I’ll call back afterwards and tell them myself.” So I was told. “We had a baby girl, her name is Sophia.” Then walked inside I then pretended nothing had happened. It felt like a life time until Bianca called Shayne and his face was priceless and worth every bit of secretive behavior.

With Aunty Mones

With Aunty lell

I went to the hospital around 7pm, and entered the birthing suite to what can only be described as ‘The Apocalypse’. No danger of me looking anywhere but the baby, it was a good distraction watching Pettie eat food in the room, whilst I thought ‘How the hell can he do that?’ It was so ridiculous seeing a baby and surreal. She is such a gorgeous little thing, looks exactly like Yank when she cries, and I’m of the minority that guessed her sex and thought she looks like Pettie. She is a calm baby like Bianca was and similar stats to her, far from the sharpe look-alike that I was! Bianca was a star and looks amazing. Even in pain on the exercise ball shocking herself she looked amazing. She has changed a handful of nappies, including two put on the wrong way, I have changed zero and Andrew has changed the rest, as he is good at it (Bianca’s words not mine!!). I should also mention that Aunty Mones and Uncle Chrisso got in early and she is already a paid up Cats Member for 2017. We are awaiting Pop's approval to add her to the MCC waiting list. 

It would be remiss of me not to mention the events of the following day- Tosh and B’s wedding. What an absolute event… when I finally got there after a traumatic tram ride of 43 stops, needing the loo! Everything was amazing, it was not only super to see those who flew over from afar, it was amazing to see the original gang – Woosha, Crackles, Seektsy, Surge, Perfect Stef… and Rents was in super form too. My second fav part to B walking down the aisle and her massive smile was Seektsy telling his father in law- that Tosh as a son in law is the worst trade since Fevola to Brisbane. Third was Nev mentioning his aspirations to become a musician, surfer (cue short Indian Aussie).

Me, Perfect Stef and Groom Tosh

I’ve also been blessed with good weather so far, my first touch of pink on Day 2 was a welcome addition to the pasty white skin.  

Happy Place, Amazing new world for some. 

First Day Home

With Nan and Pop

A Couple of Turkeys

Not sure how many of you remember, but I had boycotted Turkey ever since I was ran over by a Turk who ran a red light in 2009 and she was basically the biggest piece of work ever that I’d decided I wouldn’t go back. Come 7 years on, I decided I shouldn’t blame the whole country for one silly cows mis demeanor and I’d heard great things so booked a trip for the May bank holiday. Also, I booked it with a chick Courts who is one of my wife Laura’s best friends, but I’d only ever met her once, but we both clicked and we are both slightly mad. So it made sense that we would go on hols together the second meeting. After all my Nonno and Nonna got married the third time they met… so this pace runs well in the famiglia.  

So all the adventure happened almost instantly for Courts and I enroute to Instanbul. We met at Heathrow airport straight after work with the intention of legging it through customs and getting to Weatherspoons ASAP! The excitement started at the check-in counter when I informed the lady that British Airways online check in upgrade had failed me, and would it be possible for two seats close to the front. Nope. Nada. Apparently it wasn’t even possible to sit us together, just one in front of the other. Cool, we’ll wait to the flight and sort it. Then the man at security hated my banter. I told him I was just joking but wondered why everyone was being a dick. Its Friday arv people. Sort it!

Ø       Made it to Weatherspoons and the wait was massive. Thankfully we found a half table to share with some randoms who then hated us cos Courts spilt my drink all over the table and it dripped down on to their bags. The bar lady also hated Courts, who implied she wanted a free drink as she had spilt her drink almost instantly. She as an annoying Northern Irish man woman. I kept up spirits, pointing out the only hot boy in the whole airport with the most amazing blue eyes. We then boarded, standing guard, refusing to sit anywhere but next to each other. Thankfully some freak swapped out his window seat for Courts middle seat and we were on like Donkey Kong. After exchanging pleasantries with the kind man who downgraded his seat, he informed Courts he was an artist, and was attending a festival – Courts could be his guest whilst I was at Gallipoli on Sunday and promptly gave Courts his business card. As it turns out she recognised the business card and his product as this dude used to internet troll her!!... Back to no Sunday plans for Courts. It was then that I realised that the incredibly handsome man with the blue eyes was coming straight towards the vacant seat next to Courtney… Ahhh Maze Ing. It turned out he was on a bucks, for his gay friend Steve, and the group was 50/50. The gay banter carried on the whole flights, and we met Johnny, a quite good looking, well dressed dude, kind of reminded me of the gay guy in Sex & the City who was mates with Charlotte. I proclaimed that I had picked it early. No straight guys ever dress so nicely, and then we met the buck, who looked straight to me as he was wearing ill-fitting jeans and an ugly belt lacking the style of our new mates. We spent an hour on the tarmac cos the selfish Frenchies had again closed their air space, so all up it was about 4 hours and Istanbul was two hours behind. Upon Landing, hot Will, the man with the glorious blue eyes who works for a tech start up in Soho, informed us he was completely straight… and so was the whole bucks party. Ahhh Maze Ing.

T    The queue though at immigration upon landing in the Bull was ridiculous. It took us another hour to get to the front of the queue and when we did, I went straight through with my Italian passport, and Courts was told she wasn’t allowed in as she needed a VISA. Thankfully it only was a pay on arrival one and only wasted another 15 minutes, and id organised a transfer to pick us up, so no doubt smooth sailing from here?

Ø      Fail, no transfer. Another quarter hour had passed and I was over it, so we got a cab to the hotel…. Then the cab driver got lost. Then tried to rip Courts off by 40 Turkish cunts (this is the nickname we gave the money as we had no idea what they were called, I went with Dirham initially, but the former seemed more apt in this country of dis organisation. Then we arrived at our hotel and the check in man informed us that the hotel had no rooms for us as they had over booked. Another hour passed, it was 4am and we were cranky as. I informed the man, whilst trying to be polite (those of you that know me well know that #MonesTellItHowItIs struggles with this) that I had a busy day at work, followed by all the delays. Finally, we were informed there was a room and it was an upgrade at the 5* opposite.

Ø     We got up early for some reason, so after we checked the facebook check in and saw how nuts Couts fam and friends were that she was in Istanbul we decided to find the buffet for a feed. Was pretty standard so the goal for the next couple of days was to find eggs benedict. Something we failed at dismally. After our shitty breaky we took off to explore in our shorts and arms out, obvs disrespectable as but hey, having once visited a mosque, I get the idea, pillars, space, carpet. Michael Agile Wilson recommended we get a guided tour of Hagia Sofia. Great call. The place was awesome. Mainly because of all the Christian stuff.  

Ø     We booked an awesome restaurant for dins- Nichole at the Tom Tom resort and basically got very drunk, as the meal took forever! 7 courses and 100 quid down somehow Courts managed to tee up a space at a club pretending she was VIP with the waiter.

Ø     Walking aimlessly and considerably lost to this club we walked past some strangers and asked for directions (bearing in mind both Courts and I were appropriately dressed for dinner, however inappropriately dressed for a Muslim country. Courts asked what looked like a private driver for directions. The other guy stressed out that there were two ladies talking to him said ‘oh my wife is in the van’ Me being nice looked in (saw a burqa ninja lady) and tried to speak to her, she only spoke Arabic and looked frightened so I retreated, but in this time Courts had managed to get the other guy to drive us to this club. So we got in the other van. I sat close to the door in case I had to escape. Courtney had got us in to this rape van, I was certainly leaving her behind as a sacrifice. Turns out the guy was awesome. He only wanted a kiss on the cheek from Courts and Courts refused to oblige, much to my insistence. We were dropped at the club and walked in, Courts greeting the guy who she had seen in the magazine, pretending we were VIP, he then escorted us to a booth and gave us a bottle of prosecco…then out came another waiter with some nuts.. then another with a whole fruit platter! However knowing I had a 5am start for Gallipoli, the night started wearing thin and I was ready to leave. Courts informed Mr VIP man that we were leaving and he was like ‘I’ll just go inside and grab the bill’… I was like ‘Courts, I thought you said it was free?’ and she was like ‘it was!’ and so we walked out in the opposite direction and hailed a cab…

Ø     Next morning was an early rise and long bus drive. It was made even harder with the hangover, however thankfully it had dissipated by the breaky break. Gallipoli was extraordinary. Beyond words how breath taking and chilling it was at the same time. What a lovely sunny and reflective place. I’m sure this paradise was hell on earth though, as come the afternoon it was stifling hot. Here, I put in my headphones, walked to the opposite side as my group and tried to read as many tombstones as I could to Thank them and show them respect. One person  in another group kept trying to engage in conversation. I just answered and then walked right away, keeping to myself. Trying to take it all in. It again became emotional when one of our group members found the grave of his great uncle. I'm glad i was there for that moment, but, it almost felt like it needed to be private. I suddenly really proud of Hoddo and what he does serving for the country. It is also relevant as he had relatives who served at Gallipoli. I can't imagine what those soldiers felt, saw. Landing at a beach on the other side of the world. The ultimate sacrifice, forever young, forever remembered. 

Ø     Coming back in to Istanbul that night took forever, and because of the roadworks it was two hours longer so I didn’t get back until midnight. Courts greeted me, a huge heap of regret having not came along with me. She instead decided to explore, but lasted two hours on her own, before she was hassled so much she went back to the hotel and lounged. We decided to try and find eggs bene for the last day enroute to the airport – Courts only job to organise. We got a cab a good 30 mins in the opposite direction to the breaky place. IT WASN’T OPEN. FAIL. Anyway after another rip off cab merchant we were over it. Looking forward to returning in September – hopefully less time getting hassled when we are in the ocean out of reach. All in all Istanbul was a cool place. Turks… well, the bull part is quite applicable still, but the kebabs are on spot. What a cool place.