#MONESISM'S



Birthday Eve

Wow, 30 came, and so much has happened! Stevie J has left the Cats, the Cats didn’t make the finals, Australia got smashed in the test cricket, Buddy Franklin got sad, I’ve been boating in Greece, and we have ourselves a new PM! 

I had the most spectacular welcoming to my 30’s commencing with a Medsailors team dinner and the sculling of some rose (this was not my idea), followed by the release of the rose` in to some bushes (sadly, this is not the first time the plants have been watered by rose`). Anyway the climax was definitely waking up nude (it was too hot to sleep clothed) and getting a hug 

from our skipper- perfect Mike, (who unfortunately was clothed) followed by some boat balloons and some gluten free ice cream cake dessert with my boat buddies- who made me feel as ‘special’ as I most genuinely am – literally the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER and I’m having more shenanigan’s this weekend! 

Birthday Morning Waking up to my Card!

What has 30 brought with it? Well, I’m still single and have dominated my life so far single, though you’d rarely have known it as I 

Hair of the Dog Champers - FAIL

call most of my male friends ‘boyfriends’ or ‘my boys’ as I affectionately refer, and have done so since ‘my boys’ used to visit the house and I’d feed them pasta and killer milk shakes, while Lino tried his hardest to scare them off. The feeding has continued…it, along with my shaking leg has become my mating call. Although, don’t stress guys- it’s not always a case of me being an ‘opportunist’, it is mostly the fact that my wog hostess skills mean that I have overcooked for one person and just need a hand to finish off my food. I hate wasting food, as my precious Nonna lived through the war, and never wasted anything. Once, hungover I ordered big at brunch and when it arrived could only manage four bites, so called my wife to come and assist. Nek minute my wife rocked up with her cling wrapped smoked salmon to add to the corn fritters I’d barely touched and delightedly she finished my meal.

Wife finishing my meal!



 Monesism#1: Mones’ numerous ‘Boyfriends’…

There is coffee shop boyfriend, bike shop boyfriend, netball boyfriend, Yorkshire boyfriends, Lagos boyfriend, and there are two boyfriends with inappropriate nicknames just to name a few... most of their nicknames are relevant and assist in story telling so for this purpose I can’t get through this blog without mentioning another of my ‘boyfriends’ – Ultra Marathon James.

One London night in June, post visiting my mum and dad’s temp London abode and consuming a mere three bottles of wine with Catarina, I decided to stop halfway enroute home and visit my Ginger friend Stu’s work circa midnight (after he texted me he was hungry).. Thoughtfully, I rocked up with half a bottle of wine and a slice of gluten free bread... after annoying him a bit, I noticed he was actually doing work (and he kind of got shitty with my Jesus last supper contribution of bread and wine) I decided he was boring and begun the rest of the walk home- a mere 1km stumble after numerous bottles of wine. Some 200m from home I noticed a dude wearing a water back pack thing with his business suit, so naturally my backward at coming forward self told this stranger that he ‘looked ridiculous’ and I asked him if he’ ran home like that?’ as I overtook him. He then ran up beside me and struck up a conversation before being slightly too forward and trying to kiss me. Having just seen Lino, I could hear him in the back of my head saying ‘Who is this dickhead?’ so I told my new friend he wasn’t allowed to kiss me until he took me on a date- naturally, our first date was the first place we found that was open- The Brown Cow which closed on us, and so we headed to the Durrell for our first date just before 1am. I nearly fell asleep at the table and so naturally agreed that he walk me home *(literally next door) as the lights simultaneously came on. I grabbed his phone number and messaged him after a few months (when I remembered I had it) we caught up again and it turns out he is moving to Australia in December. I don’t know if it’s a theme but a few of my ‘boyfriends’ are doing an exodus from the country. Girthy (inappropriately named BF) was the first, and then tinder Ryan and yesterday one of my York boyfriends informed me he is leaving too! Soon I will require a new boyfriend to date- so I made the exec decision to apply for Channel 4’s Dinner Date…. fingers crossed I get cast and can cook my new dinner date boyfriend a scrumptious Gluten Free feed.  

 #Monesism2: being a Glutard

I know it’s painful to dine with me, however if any of you have had the pleasure of my company when my instant rash forms and my belly triples in size to become my affectionately named friend ‘Pumba’ you would understand it’s not through choice. I also am unsure as to whether my Hernia ‘Hermes’ was born from eating Gluten and my stomach expanding through my belly button or whether I gained him when I lifted all 83 kegs of Andy Eden up when Jimmy Bartel scored a goal in the outer, however, as not anyone took a liking to him or the gluten rash, I am now living my life as a Glutard.

Perfect Mike With Us Girls

The boat was hilariously fun with eight of the most amazing chickas a girl could ask for. I couldn’t have been spoilt anymore. It was so funny upon boarding and seeing our skipper *youngish tall brunette (criteria met) and he asked who ‘gluten free’ was. I said I am, and he said ‘cool, I am too a bit’ so naturally the joke instantly came in my head that it would be a lovely gluten free wedding cake tower! So our initially nicknamed skipper Mike turned in to disco Mike instantly when he played some ripping tunes on his pod then by that night PM and I noticed he was capable at doing most things i.e. paddle boarding, skipping the boat, putting up with my creep comments, and showering, he gained the nickname ‘Perfect Mike’, which is signed on my birthday card. Unfortunately there was no reciprocity with my creep advances ha-ha.  

Only this morning I was buying a coffee at Store Street and I saw the menu had smashed avo, so I asked “Do you have gluten free bread?” the chick was like “No, it doesn’t taste as good” to which I replied, “You clearly haven’t shit yourself before”. Then she went red and retreated with “well I actually like gluten free bread”. Ha-ha… great Segway for the next #Monesism:

  #Monesism3; #MonesSaysItHowItIs

Most of you know I am very honest and very backward in coming forward. I’m mostly always right too, not to the extent of Perfect Mike or my friend Liss who is mostly always right too. Most of my greatest moments are football related… Lino has always been scared that my teeth would get knocked out with some of my comments. There was the time at the Grand Final, Cats V Hawks 2008 where I got absolutely wasted, grabbed a policeman’s radio from his belt, and said over the radio “Go Cats”. He was mortified and threatened to kick me out. There we go that moving line… I think I just crossed it! Then there was the time at the MCG at the Cats V Freo final where I was getting tormented from a bogan Freo supporter (standard) outside the box I was dining in, and I told her to call 1300 GO JENNY…

My lovely boat beauties

Most recently in Ios, when I became friends with some dudes from Maroubra and we went out and they were playing ‘Mr. Splashy Cashy’ and spending up big (I couldn’t work out why they had so much coin, so naturally just assumed it was drug related, however they were very inclusive with me so I really took no notice and I was having a super night out with them, pretending to punch the bouncer (he acknowledged that my boxing has been paying off). Anyhow one guy had 2035 tattooed on his back so I asked what Marty McFly (Back to the Future) did in that year? …he didn’t think it was funny, and said it was a post code, to which I showed him my 3844, 3057, 3068, 3227, SW67LY and SW65SB tattoos (jokes)… I continued to hang shit on him and his mates asking if their tattoos were modelled on Daryl Braxton from Home & Away. It literally wasn’t until the next day at the beach when I saw my ‘bouncer boyfriend’ and he affectionately hugged me (only after I promised I wouldn’t punch him) that he informed me they were indeed Bra Boys!!! 

IOS

But then whatever my foot in mouth has got me to 30, I’m sure it will continue. Thanks for coming along with me on my journey. Let’s hope the next 30 are just as kind and exciting. Let’s face it – you’re only as old as the person you’re feeling. So right now I’m 24.